391. …..We imagine such expositors would have been pleased had God sent into the world, an additional female Christ, to set women a female example; but since God did not see fit to do so, women are under obligation to endeavor, as best they are able, to follow the “manly” example of Jesus Christ, and leave the consequences with God. This is woman’s truly humble place. Any other is sham humility.
392. What was Christ’s attitude toward man, seeing HE ALONE is woman’s pattern? John 2:23-25 tells us plainly: “Many believed in His name, when they saw the miracles which He did. But Jesus did not commit Himself unto them, because He knew all men, and needed not that any should testify of man: for He knew what was in man.” Let women do the same; they have here a very safe example to follow. What we know of “trust” in man must not go so far as to include the vitiation of our surrender to GOD ALONE. “What! a woman not trust her husband! Why, every husband loves a trusting wife; let her lean all her weight upon him. This is ideal marriage; any less trust than this will bring discord into the family.” Possibly it will; in some cases, the husband may quarrel with his wife unless she trusts him to this idolatrous extent. A trust that must be exercised towards a husband, who threatens discord otherwise, is of the world’s own kind. The Lord Himself said, “I came not to send peace, but a sword.” We believe that family concord can be better preserved apart from a trust on the part of the wife which amounts to idolatry of her husband; but if not, let discord prevail: at least, leave the result of absolute surrender to God alone in the hands of Him who requires it of every human being.
393. There is a “trust” of which one can properly approve,¾a reciprocal tie and duty between husband and wife. But this matter of the surrender of one’s entire person and conscience to the keeping of another human being is idolatry,¾a deadly sin against God. Love does not require it. Never man loved as Christ; never man trusted himself to man less than Christ did. The more He surrendered Himself to God, the more humble He was; and the less He committed Himself to man. Mark how He kept His conduct free from all human influences.
I must confess, I was trapped in the folly of “husband trust” and perhaps I am still ensnared to some extent. In addition to the traditional wedding vows, we wrote a section of of our own vows. In retrospect, we were idealistic and foolish young people.I made a foolish wedding vow which I just renounced this past Sunday during church. That was “I will trust you and share with you my deepest thoughts and feelings”.
The point is that my husband is untrustworthy. He is verbally abusive and his mouth is constantly spouting derogatory, demeaning, lies… I think I was bound by that vow in a very real sense. I would-in a moment of “weakness”- share my pearls with him, my deepest thoughts and feelings (as I foolishly vowed 😦 )… and those are the very tender things which he would pull out to mock and taunt and ridicule to get a “reaction”. It was very hard for me not to believe the lies. Then I would get angry and defensive, fight to try to get a morsel of affirmation, as if his words really define who I am…
The truth is that only God defines who I am. And the truth is that I disappoint God when I get angry and defensive. I think it is a manifestation of self-protective pride. God will be pleased if I can respond to verbal abuse with gentleness and peace, by humbling myself under HIS almighty hand, knowing that I am priceless, precious, and of infinite value and worth to Him, secure and confident in His great love for me no matter what words come at me out of a mortal mouth.
A few months ago, I renounced another unbiblical wedding vow. I talked about that here:
http://hupotasso.wordpress.com/2008/01/19/i-renounced-unbiblical-wedding-vows/
Hi, Charis -I remember throwing pearls before swine and forgiving (I think more than 70 x 7 times) when there was no spiritual repentance from my husband. He had an affair but never did repent – caused for a lot of confusion.
Thanks for your blog -I’m excited about God’s Word to Women cite. (We have been divorced 7 years)
Hi Susan,
Glad to have you visit! The book is so freeing in so many ways.
Regarding broken marriage, I think you would appreciate Bushnell’s insights about “Leave and Cleave”. Here is a link to my comment as to what stood out to me in her lessons related to God’s law of marriage.
hi charis,
i and my husband are having a small miss understanding just because my husband always make calls to a woman i dont know every morning and late as we are going to bed i question him and turned into an arquement but made to blank that am getting a wrong feeling about that call but she didn`t mine me and still continue to do that call.truly now i don`t trust him could it be he is flirting with other woman,as am mailing i do want to talk to him and hate him please help me
Dear ophi,
Men are fallible.
Draw near to God;
Trust the LORD and lean upon Him.
Pray for wisdom and discernment.
Pray that the truth will come to light.
Dear Lord,
You hear ophi’s heart, you know her concern
Please give her wisdom, and help her to feel YOUR love for her and to rest secure with you. Please be at work in her marriage Equip her to be her husband’s ezer (help meet).
In Jesus’ Name
Hi Charis,
My husband is not abusive – mentally or physically like most women that don’t trust their husbands speak of, he is the other extreme of abuse – unsupportive, emotionally unavailable and selfish.
I yearn so much for his affections and validation from him to be as important to him as his career and personal interests. He sees me as needy and demanding and a burden – an extra task.
His selfishness sparks my anger and for me to retreat into a protected place, separating us further and further…I go to God and ask for His comfort but my prayers are what seems impossible to me…to change his heart and have him see that he needs to give more to get more from me.
Please help,
Tara
Hi Tara,
Welcome 🙂
That sounds like a lonely marriage, but I am glad you are finding that you can bring your hurt to the Lord and find your comfort in Him. May He guide and direct your prayers and your responses toward your husband. May you be the life-saving ezer/help-meet God intends. This can be a wild ride, going in messy heart-wrenching directions at times. May you be able to hear the Lord’s quiet voice directing your path.
Hi, I have a trust issue with my husband. When we met he already had a girlfriend that I didn’t know of. He was living a double life for a year until the truth came out. The other woman left and the years have past. We recently had a son and our family is complete. I forgave him and we still have been arguing. I don’t trust him but I don’t want to leave him. I am always scared he is cheating on me or will attempt to. I frustrate him because I’m constantly accusing and he says he needs me to stop for us to work. I just don’t know how!!
This was before you were married so it wasn’t “adultery”. Was he sleeping with her and you at the same time? To me, that is not much different than adultery.
If so, I know from experience that brushing things under the rug (or allowing the blame to be shifted to YOU) just allows them to fester. If he fails to get at the root of whatever motivated his behavior, he is in great danger of repeating it. As his wife/help meet I wonder if your discernment meter is telling you that he hasn’t gotten to the root? IMO, you are justified not to trust a man who has proven himself capable of such deception. If he wants to restore the trust, then he’s going to have to submit to the accountability of keeping you informed about his activities. Your marriage can wind up being negatively impacted for decades unless this is handled appropriately:
How to Heal from Adultery and Other Serious Marital Sins
How can a man handle this in a way which is healing to her and genuinely repentant (taking responsibility and bearing the consequence of the hurt he has caused his wife by his own choices)?:
Healing a Broken Marriage From Adultery
Dear Charis,
I have a problem that a few of the women on here are having.My problem is a little different than theirs slightly.I have been with this man for 3 years we have 2 kids and we are not married yet.Through our whole relationship he’s had many women friends that he talks to when he’s not around me.Long story short it arouses my anger my deepest fears and frankly I feel it to be very very disrespectful.I have asked him to understand my feelings and respect my mind on this issue.He says that some of them were there before me and that he has known them basically half his lif manny years blah blah blah etc…But its very disappointing that he will not compromise on this here.He doesn’t want me to know half of them and says that the reason why I know he does talk to them is because i go looking through his cell phone for this that we don’t have any problems i create the problems.He says that marriage maybe one day I need to be patient.I feel that I have stopped conversating with my male friends so he shouldn’t correspond with these friends so frequently.I pray about it asking god for the strength, wisdom,and courage,But iI continue to do the same things.Go through his phone and just snoop cause I feel he’s doin something he shouldn’t be .I truely don’t know what to do about my situation.When I do what he does that gets me so heated then he ask questions about it.Wehn I ask questions he tells me why am I questioning ouur relationship that I should just Trust him.
I hear a LOT of red flags in there DeAnna. Not only that he has women friends, but that despite two children together, he’s not willing to make the commitment to marriage. You have options. May the Lord give you wisdom to make good decisions.
i know its what im saying to myself.I truely feel that.He just also told me that he has never really been in anything too serious with any other woman and that seems to send up flags all over the place. I discussed the ways that I have been feeling with him last night and he’s now says that we have to set up goals and make solutions for the problems and that we can work on them together.He says that if i wish to answer his phone i can if i see a number i dont recognize i can call it but it’s not that that i want i am wanting understanding.I told him i feel its really disrespectable to do half of the things that he’s does.
To me not “too serious” might be code for everything short of sex? If it was me, I would feel insecure and unloved just by the fact that he doesn’t want to marry me. The rest of it would drive me insane. Deanna, my husband had affairs. I had to get really firm with him that I was not willing to live with unacceptable behaviors any more. In his case, he had to choose between drinking and the marriage (because the drinking weakens his morals so much that he’s a sitting duck when propositioned). You have choices. You can decide what you are willing to live with.
your right .this week i stayed over my moms for 3 days and didnt go home or call.i did the tit for tata game hes been doin i had 2 exs that i had callin my home.i noticed his whole expression changed on me.he talked to me on the phone and i told him im not settlin for the disrespect that if he s gonna talk to his exs and he s not gonna put a ring on my finger than im not gonna stick around much longer. i told him that i am not gonna go the tit for tat game wit him cause its childish but if thats the only way that i can get his attention then heyu know.i also told him that god wouldn’t like for him to have me livin in sin and that his kids were born into sin so he then told me that he is actually in his first real serious relationship and he does want to marry me one day and that i have to be patient.i told him i have been patient for three years now two kids later.he has been a lil better since that conversation but whe i had that talk i had to even be brutal by sayin what one man doesnt want another do and that im not gonna tolerate all this all this no understanding.
Dee,
Good job standing up for yourself!
One of the things which helped me in my journey was realizing how much God loves, values, and respects me. I had to learn to respect myself so that I didn’t allow myself to be mistreated and taken for granted. Here is a letter from God composed of scriptures which helped me a lot. This is a one sheet pdf which you can print out and read and let the message soak into your spirit: Dear Dee….. Love, your Heavenly Father
Once your married, a christian woman cant’ be happy if her husband lies. She’s not allowed to leave since it’s not abuse so she gets to spend the rest of her life fearful and insecure about what her husband is actually doing.
Sounds like you speak from painful experience, Tn. 😦
Hi , I have married for 9 months , but I don’t trust my husband . I prayed and asked God to help me . Last month I went to his mails and found a mail he sent another woman telling her how he felt about her before we were romantlcly involved . One day this woman sent him a message while we were still engaged , and he denied that he wanted her . I’m not enjoying my marriage because of his lies and trust issues . everytime I complain about something wrong he does , he says I’m insecure . How do I deal with this in a GoDLY way ? I luv him but I don’t trust him at all .
Hi Cleopatra,
He denied that he wanted her, and he married you. The e-mails are ancient history and he’s done nothing to remove them or cover them up (which IMO is evidence of his innocence).
At this point, I would take him at his word that he put old relationships behind him.
I think the sands of time will cure any insecurity on your part.
As you see him living faithful and committed to you only, you will be able to rest in his love.
Love, Charis
Hi,
What I do with a marriage of 5yrs where more or less you carry 90% of the burden and have no clue what your husband does for a living anymore because he claims to be aan enterpreneur. Yet I work over 40 hours a week for our kids to make ends meet but when i do not work we have light, phone turned off. He lies comstantly to me and when I get upset as to what he is doing to make income especially since he spends his time on facebook adding young girls he says I am jealous and messing up his network to get into the entertainment business. It has been 5 yrs in this marriage and I truely have gotten to the point of no return and just want out. my credit has been ruined and I never know if we will have a roof over our head each month because all I ask him to take care is house rent, light bill and his car payment which is under my name. All he wants to do is party and act as if he is a teenager at 50. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
Tina,
Does not sound like you are equally yoked to a mature man who is pulling together with you. Sounds more like you have a case of arrested development on your hands and a husband who behaves more like an irresponsible teenager than a grown up.
Pray.
Seek the Lord.
Read the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud and Townsend. It has about the most practical help I can think of for a situation like yours. Here is a link to a few quotes.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))
Charis
hi this is new for me, so sorry if i sound weird, im a 38 femal that has been married 15 rs and been together for 18, my husband is a truck driver that has a twin brother that isnt married or kids, i hav always had issues with other woman even within our first yr of marraige, he always blamed his brother n his brother agreed to it, about 4 yrs ago i left him, came ome n we made a promise no more woman in our marraige, n a yr later i get on his cell o find 13 (thats one month) (not sure if there were more or not) as im talking to these women they alltell me that my husband claimed to b his brother n said he wasnt married or have any kids we have 3 kids, 13 girls in different states all had same story, none of them would admit to sleeping w him, but one she lived 2 miles from our home, he met her beside the road, she thought he was someone else.. i was crushed n didnt know where to turn or what to do, im 38 n 3 kids.. no job, so i stayed for almost a yr. trying my best to fix this, trying my best to figure out why n how, after about 6 months i started trusting a lil again n he started being on rd a lil more (getting back to normal) i wondered if he would cheat or do this to me again, after all the tears he n i shed together there is no way.. a friend of mine said only real way to know if he would is to set him up.. so i thought bout it i knew he wouldnt, not after what we been threw the last few yrs, n i caught him this time, so i knew he wouldnt.. i then feeling good had a girl call him would u believe within 20 min of him talking to a strange woman who he dont know was asking for nasty pics n videos, my heart was crushed again.. for one my husband dont talk like that, never talked thatnasty to me, it was like i was listening to someone i never knew.i told my husband i would stay if he took a lie test i wanted to know how many women he has been with and what i really meant to him, he refused.. said no i should knw him better …so i left himafter that i been at my parents for 9 months, life is hard, n hard without him, my heart wants him back, my heart hurts for our kids, but my brain knows tells me no, look at all he has lied n did to our family, i have filled for divorce still not sure if thats something i can even do if im even strong enough to go threw w it, i have also met some one, who is very nice but not sure if im ready for that, i pray alot im always looking for answers, i hope im doing what God wants me to do, i know he has a plan n imhere for a reason,im not sure what my lesson is with all this, im not a perfect christian bt im a believer.. i sometimes ask God if nothing else today please give me a hug and let me know ur still with me lord, n everything is gonna b ok..,the holidays are getting to me bad, i want so bad to go home n put up our tree with the kids but something deep inside wont let me… ;(
here’s a hug from me ((((((Ocie))))))
Do you have the children with you at your parents? I hope so.
Keep pressing into the Lord and He will help you!
Much Love, Charis
Yes I have kids with me, and when they want to b home w their dad I let them, I just want to know what’s right thing for me to do, 😦
ocie,
Pray and ask the Lord.
If it was me, I wouldn’t reconcile if he is still womanizing.
Look into Retrouvaille (click here). You can’t go if there are any third parties in the marriage so you and he would have to break off other relationships. It has helped many marriages including my own.
((((((Hugs))))))
I’m having problems trusting my husband. I’m not entirely sure why I don’t trust him more. We’ve been married for a year. Before we were married, we were very close friends. I knew of one of his past relationships where he led his “girlfriend” on for several months and also cheated on her. His excuse for that was she had had cancer and he felt like he couldn’t break things off with her. Basically, he felt sorry for her. I would always tell him he wasn’t helping things by leading her on so much and cheating behind her back. He was always full of excuses for his behavior and says it was a very different circumstance. I know of a lot of his past sexual behavior. Such as, meeting girls on the Internet, webcam sex, random hookups, collecting nude pictures from many women, etc. I’ve read firsthand some of his explicit emails he has exchanged with previous women. He tells me that all of that is behind him and he’s only focused on being married to me. Yet, those things still linger in my mind from time to time.
I feel the need to routinely check his online accounts. Although I’ve only found one questionable occurrance, I find myself still wondering if he might have other accounts I don’t know about or may cheat in the future since we’ve only been married a year. The incident I did find was him talking to a woman he had met previous to our relationship online and making sexual suggestions. For example, “I’m just lounging around in my underwear” and “You’ve seen all of me before”. Nothing overtly suggestive, but what I found to be inappropriate conversation for a married man or woman. I also find myself intensely jealous/angry/insecure when I see that he’s been talking to women he’s had past relations with or explicit conversations with. It’s very upsetting to me, but I end up letting those instances subside without telling him I know.
I have never found any evidence of him cheating on me, but I still worry that he could be covering things up and I just don’t know. I work nights and he works days. Several times over the last couple weeks when I’ve been working nights, I’ve tried to call him and his phone’s either been off or he won’t answer it. His excuses for that have been that it had gone dead, the ringer was on silent, or he had fallen asleep. He ends up calling me back several hours later. In my mind, I begin thinking he’s doing something inappropriate, possibly cheating on me.
I’ve told him my insecurities and he tries to assure me that he’s committed to me, would never cheat, not doing anything bad, loves me, etc. Sometimes, however, I just don’t know and still have doubts in trusting him. I’m worried that my distrust in him will hurt our marriage or perhaps drive him to cheat, but I also don’t want to turn a blind eye. I feel that he is very capable of lying to me because of what I know of him as friends even though he tells me he would lie to me. I see and hear about infidelities everywhere and it really scares me and I don’t know how to handle this.
How do I trust?? My husband over the 11 years we have been married and five children has been anything but trustworthy. Though he has never actually had an affair he has abused me emotionally, had secret relationships over the phone with strange women he met in online gaming (which was also hidden from me under the guise of work) and romancing them. Putting himself out on a singles website…There are so many other things which were never uncovered. Most likely to my benefit. So nice to my face and so crude behind my back… then almost walking out on us saying “he’s not happy…” really??? He’s not happy??? Only the grace of God and my five amazing children have kept this together. However I find myself (the stronger of personalities) wanting to control him. To check up on him, to constantly quiz him or catch him in something so that I won’t have the whole cake thrown at me at once. Finding out in pieces seems so much better and I know it’s not. Mentally I’m going insane and there is no freedom in it. I recognize that. I just don’t know how to give that control over to God.
My husband and I have been married for three years. He is emotionally detached, stays out all night, lies to me about where our money is going…and our money is always going…he knows how to turn any comment I have about his behavior in to my issue and not his. I have become a virtual hermit in my embarassment. He gets furious if I help my daughters who are college aged but sees no issue with me repeatedly bailing him out of his financial binds. He does not work. I work every day, keep our house, and pay all the bills. I feel like i have taken on another child. Am I wrong for wanting out?
Andrea,
No, you are not wrong for wanting out.
Click here for the Greek word used in the passages speaking of divorce “put away” Notice the definition includes: neglect, disregard, abandon, to leave one by not taking him as a companion.
Seek the Lord and He will direct your pathway…
I’m a guy looking for a woman’s perspective, that’s how I found this site. I’ll be honest and frank (I mean 100% honest). During my marriage I’ve struggled with an addiction to porn, due to the shame of this behavior I hid or lied about my actions on a number of occassions. I proud to say that 2 and half years ago I addressed my addiction and have not relapsed nor do I ever want to – the best feeling in the world. But I’ve come to find out that the reason I haven’t been 100% truthful with my wife is I try to get my approval through her. What I mean by that is when my wife is happy or content – then I’m happy and content. If she is upset or mad then I’m sad and upset. Please understand that I would actually die for my wife, I love her more than anything in this world and have never ever physically or emotionally cheated on her, my family gets 100% of my $ and my time. I am a Christian man who feel into sin at a young age and got help for my addiction and feel like a million bucks. The reason I lie or always try to put a positive spin on what I tell my wife is what I finding out to be a lack of confidence and self esteem – and that I’m worried that she will not approve of me or look down on me, THAT WOULD KILL ME IF/ WHEN SHE IS DISAPPOINTED!
So what ever the excuse I use to not be honest with her, it’s still dishonest. Two years ago we separated, I spent the entire year cleaning up my act and fighting like hell for the woman I love. She let me back in her heart, and I tried to be the husband I had always wanted to be BUT she got worried and I panicked – went back to some bad habits and I wasn’t 100% honest when she asked me if I was having trouble, I told her no because the few times I was tempted I was able to stop before anything worse than very soft core (no nudity) pictures came up and I asked for forgiveness right away. I was strangely proud that I had been tested and weathered the test. When my wife asked me if I was having trouble, I told her that it didn’t bother me anymore, that my desire for porn was gone and I wasn’t having trouble, God was helping me. She checked my computer and found pictures (soft core not nothing nasty) and now I fear I’ll never get her trust again. I may not ever deserve it and parts of me think that regardless of my love for her the bigger thing to do is step aside and allow her to move on and not risk EVER hurting her again, I haven’t slept and barely eaten in the past month. Ladies, I would appreciate feedback. Bottomline, I love her sooo much and beyond the porn and lies I’ve been 100% hers, faithful loving and dedicated. I do plenty of of the housework and 95% of cooking and grocery shopping. I’ve been as close to the husband I want to be for her and my family as I can except for the tow big points I’ve outlined.
Ladies, do I have a chance in #&*! with my wife, we’re separated for 2nd time, first time for 1 year and she was really mad, this time she isn’t mad but really calm – too calm.
How are things now, Steve?
Constance
I have known my husband for 13 yrs and married for a little over 1 yr now. I cant trust my husband anymore. Several times he has turned his back on me when it comes to making decisions. For example: We had agreed to help out his ex-niece through marriage by letting her stay with us for a couple of months until she got back on her feet. Well after them months had passed she did the unthinkable. She disrespected me, my husabnd and our 7y old daughter in our own home. So he and I had agreed that she would have to move out of or home that night. He turned his back on me and started insulting me in front of this girl because I asked her to leave our home that night, he totally went against me and disrespected me by calling me names and siding with this person. I can never trust him again to back me up or even confide in. I have since left our home with my daughter and im lost and confused on divorce. I just feel like if you cant trust your own spouse to have ur back. Then I dont need a marriage like that. Like I said this is not the first time he verbally abuses me infront of other people and sides with them. I feeli like I married a coward and someone I cant trust.